Some Thoughts In the Unknown

The Twilight zone, alternate universe, like living a movie, among other things, these are phrases I have used to describe what life feels like right now. Every once in a while I have a moment that feels normal and then before too long I’m jolted back into reality. I have experienced trials in my life, but never have I experienced one along with the rest of the world. It feels connecting and isolating at the same time. Connecting because we are all going through the same circumstances, but isolating because we are all going through it alone and in a unique way. Today I feel as though I have been wandering aimlessly around the house carrying an emotional burden much too heavy for my shoulders to bear. Not sure what day it is, or the time or how to anchor myself to something concrete. After some prompting from my mom I decided it would be a good idea to do some writing. This is one of those times when I sit down at my keyboard totally unsure of what words are going to end up on the page. So here goes…

Nate and I have been walking through some sort of hard or unknown circumstance since November. On November 6th we found out that Nate’s position at work was going to be eliminated in the near future and on November 9th one of our rental properties was broken into and left in complete shambles needing thousands of dollars in repairs. The weeks and months that followed we saw the Lord’s provision in ways we didn’t expect and I watched Him knit our hearts together as we learned how to trust God in the unknown. Nate’s final day of work was February 28th. So, March 1st was day one of our adventure in self-employment as Nate set out to start his own company. In that first week I saw a new spring in Nate’s step, heard excitement in his voice and watched my weary husband come to life in pursuit of this new venture! Well… as you all know, it wasn’t long after that that everything started to hit the fan. After an uneasy feeling about where this was headed, I did some grocery shopping on March 6th (mostly to stock up on Nora’s pouches), and then we watched as the world and our daily lives changed in a matter of days. The momentum Nate had gained slowed to a screeching halt as meeting after meeting was cancelled, conferences postponed indefinitely and even phone calls were cancelled as no business was any longer in a position to learn about or purchase any new IT products. Nate filed for unemployment and we mourned together this terrible timing for his exciting new venture. 

Remember how I said I had learned how to trust God in the unknown? Well I thought I had. But that was just when I thought the only unknown was our income for the near future. Now there’s a lot more added to that list! I don’t know what kind of circumstances my growing baby girl will be born into, if Nate will be allowed in the delivery room, or if I could get sick and risk getting her sick. Will my family be able to meet her when she’s born? I don’t know if Nate’s new business will ever take off. Will there be a job for him if it doesn’t work out?  Will there be milk at the grocery store if we run out? Will I be able to see my family on Easter? I know I am not at all alone in these unknowns. I am also keenly aware that before COVID-19 was a thing, I only THOUGHT these were known. I thought I had all of this “control”. I could make plans, schedule play dates, set-up a meal train, take walks in the park and get a pedicure all before I delivered this sweet baby girl with Nate by my side in a peacefully functioning hospital. But what happens when all of our perceived control is ripped out from under us like a rug and we are left with nothing but the opportunity to trust our Sovereign God? 

I’m honestly not exactly sure what it looks like to trust God in these circumstances, but I don’t think it looks like blind happiness or denying the hard things. I think that’s what I was trying to do in the beginning. I felt guilty expressing what was hard, especially knowing how many others were experiencing hard and harder things right along with me. I wanted to be “strong”, whatever that means, and be the beacon of hope and joy for all of those struggling around me. Obviously that didn’t last long. The more serious the situation has become and the more strict the “stay-at-home” warnings, the less I’ve been able to hold it together. So while I know what trusting God doesn’t look like, here’s one picture of what it might look like: Most mornings I wake up feeling pretty overwhelmed at another full day at home with my busy toddler and my tired, pregnant body. I drag myself out of bed and attempt to bring order to my home and my appearance before “starting” the day. I feel the tears right there ready to flow at any moment and I just start counting the minutes until nap time when I can have more “control” over my time for a bit. Then the Holy Spirit reminds me that worship music helps, so I turn it on. I hear lyrics of God’s faithfulness, trustworthiness and love for us and let them wash over my weary soul. I check social media and see verses from scripture of lament and encouragement, reminders that He is here and He is listening and He is holding me up. I change the verse on my phone background regularly… Lamentations 3:21-22 “But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope; The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end;” Hebrews 13:6 “So we can confidently say, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?’” 2 Timothy 4:17a “But the Lord stood by me and strengthened me…” Psalm 16:11 “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” I know this isn’t a perfect picture of what it looks like to trust God in the unknown, but it’s my current picture. I also know that I am not a finished product and that this trial I am in (we are all in!) is part of God’s plan to make me more like Jesus. I know that it’s really hard and that some days it feels too hard, but I also know that I am NOT alone, He promises to never leave me, to never forsake me and that He has given me ALL that I need. I know that He is on the throne, that He is in control, that He knows EVERYTHING about this virus and how all of this will end. I may need to remind myself of all of this every hour of every day, but I do know it all to be true! So, my friends, do not be discouraged! Even if you, like me, cry every day, or feel like it’s all too much, it’s not and He is here and He loves you.

John 16:23 “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”