I am a quick decision maker, always have been. Should I take that job? Should I go to that school? Should I go on that date? Should I buy that thing? It doesn't matter the decision, I've always been able to make them quickly. When I ask someone to do something and they say, "let me pray about it" and then they pray about it for a week, or month, I don't understand! I'm not saying that I have never prayed about a decision but it's never taken me that long. I don't bring this up as a great success of mine, I think I rush the decision making process because I do not like being in a state of uncertainty. There have been decisions I've been happy with and decisions I maybe regret, but I've always learned so much from those mistakes and the Lord has always used them for my good.
But right now, I am in the midst of trying to make a decision and I am exactly in the middle. I feel zero piece about either side of the coin, I quite literally have no idea what to do. This quick decision maker cannot make a decision. I've been wrestling with this decision for over a week now and God has given me no direction other than "seek my face, seek my face and wait." No thank you! That's not the answer I want! I don't want to wait, I want you to tell me right now what I am supposed to do and it would be great if you could write it on a billboard with flashing lights so I don't miss it! In my prayers I have begged and pleaded and cried.... I'm so desperate for an answer (mind you, it's been 10 days, how little patience I have!).
In the midst of my begging I can feel the Lord pushing back in the most loving way. While I don't feel Him giving me a clear answer I feel Him telling me how close He is. I feel Him stripping away all that I rely on in this world and gently asking me to stop trying to make a decision and start resting in Him. While I have been expecting and demanding clarity in this one area I hear Him peeling away all of my earthly stresses and calling me to Himself. I'm asking for a billboard and He's asking for my time, for my trust, for my faith, for my patience. He has me right where He wants me, all I can pray is, "Lord, I don't know what to do, help me!" Right now that's the last place I want to be, but He's so patiently softening my heart and breaking my will and drawing me in.
Right now, trying to make a decision about one thing and having God use it to teach me how to trust Him in all things, this is not fun. He's opening my eyes to all of my weaknesses, breaking me, humbling me. All I wanted was one small answer... but oh, how His ways are not our ways! I'm very much looking forward to being on the other side of this lesson, but right now He's not showing me the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't have a bow to tie at the end of this story, but I have my Jesus and my Jesus knows the end of the story, and right now that must be enough. Some days it is, but some days I fail and it isn't. I'm so thankful that even when I fail, He's here and He's patient and He's listening.
