A weapon for the battle

I recently re-read a quote by Ann Voskamp that has me convicted to again record what I’m thankful for on a regular bases. 

“I’ve counted my blessing in the heat of battle and this keeps my eyes on the Lord.” 

I may not be in the midst of a trial right now but I have lately been keenly aware that I am always in the midst of a battle. Today the battle in my soul between my flesh and the spirit has been tangible. This is a battle I never want to lose but all too often do! I never want to take this battle lightly. It’s time to start counting my blessings again, a simple discipline in a powerful weapon. Who’s with me?

Today: 

1. A beautiful new home 

2. Ellie sucking her thumb 

3. Laughter with family 

What are you thankful for today?

Some Thoughts In the Unknown

The Twilight zone, alternate universe, like living a movie, among other things, these are phrases I have used to describe what life feels like right now. Every once in a while I have a moment that feels normal and then before too long I’m jolted back into reality. I have experienced trials in my life, but never have I experienced one along with the rest of the world. It feels connecting and isolating at the same time. Connecting because we are all going through the same circumstances, but isolating because we are all going through it alone and in a unique way. Today I feel as though I have been wandering aimlessly around the house carrying an emotional burden much too heavy for my shoulders to bear. Not sure what day it is, or the time or how to anchor myself to something concrete. After some prompting from my mom I decided it would be a good idea to do some writing. This is one of those times when I sit down at my keyboard totally unsure of what words are going to end up on the page. So here goes…

Nate and I have been walking through some sort of hard or unknown circumstance since November. On November 6th we found out that Nate’s position at work was going to be eliminated in the near future and on November 9th one of our rental properties was broken into and left in complete shambles needing thousands of dollars in repairs. The weeks and months that followed we saw the Lord’s provision in ways we didn’t expect and I watched Him knit our hearts together as we learned how to trust God in the unknown. Nate’s final day of work was February 28th. So, March 1st was day one of our adventure in self-employment as Nate set out to start his own company. In that first week I saw a new spring in Nate’s step, heard excitement in his voice and watched my weary husband come to life in pursuit of this new venture! Well… as you all know, it wasn’t long after that that everything started to hit the fan. After an uneasy feeling about where this was headed, I did some grocery shopping on March 6th (mostly to stock up on Nora’s pouches), and then we watched as the world and our daily lives changed in a matter of days. The momentum Nate had gained slowed to a screeching halt as meeting after meeting was cancelled, conferences postponed indefinitely and even phone calls were cancelled as no business was any longer in a position to learn about or purchase any new IT products. Nate filed for unemployment and we mourned together this terrible timing for his exciting new venture. 

Remember how I said I had learned how to trust God in the unknown? Well I thought I had. But that was just when I thought the only unknown was our income for the near future. Now there’s a lot more added to that list! I don’t know what kind of circumstances my growing baby girl will be born into, if Nate will be allowed in the delivery room, or if I could get sick and risk getting her sick. Will my family be able to meet her when she’s born? I don’t know if Nate’s new business will ever take off. Will there be a job for him if it doesn’t work out?  Will there be milk at the grocery store if we run out? Will I be able to see my family on Easter? I know I am not at all alone in these unknowns. I am also keenly aware that before COVID-19 was a thing, I only THOUGHT these were known. I thought I had all of this “control”. I could make plans, schedule play dates, set-up a meal train, take walks in the park and get a pedicure all before I delivered this sweet baby girl with Nate by my side in a peacefully functioning hospital. But what happens when all of our perceived control is ripped out from under us like a rug and we are left with nothing but the opportunity to trust our Sovereign God? 

I’m honestly not exactly sure what it looks like to trust God in these circumstances, but I don’t think it looks like blind happiness or denying the hard things. I think that’s what I was trying to do in the beginning. I felt guilty expressing what was hard, especially knowing how many others were experiencing hard and harder things right along with me. I wanted to be “strong”, whatever that means, and be the beacon of hope and joy for all of those struggling around me. Obviously that didn’t last long. The more serious the situation has become and the more strict the “stay-at-home” warnings, the less I’ve been able to hold it together. So while I know what trusting God doesn’t look like, here’s one picture of what it might look like: Most mornings I wake up feeling pretty overwhelmed at another full day at home with my busy toddler and my tired, pregnant body. I drag myself out of bed and attempt to bring order to my home and my appearance before “starting” the day. I feel the tears right there ready to flow at any moment and I just start counting the minutes until nap time when I can have more “control” over my time for a bit. Then the Holy Spirit reminds me that worship music helps, so I turn it on. I hear lyrics of God’s faithfulness, trustworthiness and love for us and let them wash over my weary soul. I check social media and see verses from scripture of lament and encouragement, reminders that He is here and He is listening and He is holding me up. I change the verse on my phone background regularly… Lamentations 3:21-22 “But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope; The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end;” Hebrews 13:6 “So we can confidently say, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?’” 2 Timothy 4:17a “But the Lord stood by me and strengthened me…” Psalm 16:11 “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” I know this isn’t a perfect picture of what it looks like to trust God in the unknown, but it’s my current picture. I also know that I am not a finished product and that this trial I am in (we are all in!) is part of God’s plan to make me more like Jesus. I know that it’s really hard and that some days it feels too hard, but I also know that I am NOT alone, He promises to never leave me, to never forsake me and that He has given me ALL that I need. I know that He is on the throne, that He is in control, that He knows EVERYTHING about this virus and how all of this will end. I may need to remind myself of all of this every hour of every day, but I do know it all to be true! So, my friends, do not be discouraged! Even if you, like me, cry every day, or feel like it’s all too much, it’s not and He is here and He loves you.

John 16:23 “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Tired

How many times have you heard the response "I'm tired" when asking the question, "How are you?". I can't count the number of times I've both heard and said those two little words, such an easy thing to let role off the tongue. It's a simple answer to a simple question, but there's so much behind those two little words!

Fatigue is something I have struggled with for a large part of my life, it started in high school when I got mono and I just haven't ever fully recovered. I have had highs, lows and in betweens, but I have aways dealt with it on some level. My friends made fun of me in college because I needed SO much sleep, really 9-12 hours! After more than one night of only 5-7 hours of sleep and I could barely function! Lately fatigue has been an even bigger battle as it's intensity grew suddenly and dramatically. It now not only affects my physical strength but my mental capability as well. I can't seem to multi-task anymore, I get brain fog and have trouble forming thoughts sometimes, and I just am not capable of doing anything as quickly as I used to be. I have been able to find some things that work to help combat some of the more extreme fatigue, but again, I have not be able to return to my normal.

While I may be struggling with fatigue in an acute way, one thing I know is that most everyone is tired. Not many people get enough sleep, schedules are full and our minds are always running.

There have been times when I have been frustrated by the need for sleep, how great would it be if we could just keep going, we would get so much done! But as I have been wrestling with God over this weak state He has me in, I have grown to appreciate my need for sleep in a whole new way. God has been teaching me about how when we are weak He is oh, so strong! The fact that we need to sleep every night is a constant reminder that we are dependent! For me, the fact that often just getting through the day is a struggle, is an intense, sometimes hourly, reminder of my dependence! I would much rather have boundless energy, be able to accomplish all that I want to accomplish, and really what it boils down to is I want to have control! If I had plenty of energy I wouldn't be limited, I wouldn't have to cancel plans last minute, I wouldn't have to drag myself through the workday, I would be able to cook yummy dinners when I get home from work, and the list in my head goes on!

I like to think that my plan is better than God's. "God don't you want me to be strong? I could do much more for you then!?" But God is not limited by my weakness, no, His strength is made perfect in it and He has so much more for me than I could ever imagine for myself. I'd like to think that He just needs me to do more for Him, but maybe it's that I just need to be. Be in His presence, be learning from Him, be listening to Him, be sitting at his feet.... because THAT is where I have all of the energy in the world to be.

As I type I am trying to preach these truths to myself, I have been wishing away these weak, tired days. I am SO ready to be on the other side of this. But I am thankful for my Savior's gentle reminders to me and His grace to sustain me. He is so good to me and I am thankful that He loves me enough to teach me things the hard way. So remind me, friends! Remind me of His strength in my weakness, remind me that He put me here and that that fact makes it so safe and so good.

On This Day

I love the new facebook feature "On this day". For those of you who aren't familiar with it, every day facebook shows you all of your posts from years past on today's date. Even though not all of the memories that pop up for me are happy memories, I love seeing how life has changed, where I was one, two, or seven years ago today, what was I doing, who was I with, what I was thinking... sometimes I wonder "what was I thinking?!" but overall it's a fun walk down memory lane every day! Lately I have been seeing a lot of my past blog posts. A few years ago I took Ann Voskamp's "Joy Dare" and wrote (most) everyday about 3 things I was thankful for. Ann's book One Thousand Gifts changed my life during a time when I needed it to be changed, and her challenge to be grateful everyday is something that has stuck with me to this day.
As I have been reading my old blog posts I have been so thankful that I took the time to write down both what I was thankful for and what God was teaching me in the midst of a hard trial. It's important that we record the work of God in our lives, life is full and busy and time flies by so fast and it's way too easy to forget where we've been and Who brought us to where we are. I also so enjoy reading my friend's blog posts, I love reading what God is doing in other's lives and how they are growing and learning. We can learn a lot from each other and life is full of joy when we can walk through our trials together!
Well, the moral of that story is that I have been convicted that I need to take the time to write again! It's not easy and it's time consuming, but I have been reminded of the importance of it. Our God is so good and He is constantly working, I don't want to forget any of His work in my life, I want to record it so I can remind myself of it when I am tempted to doubt and I want to tell my future children stories of His goodness, so many stories of His goodness!
I don't have a ton else to say today, other than to tell you that I excited to clue you in over the next days, weeks and months to what God has been teaching me. Man do I continue to have so much to learn, and re-learn, and re-learn again! But I know I am in good company and I am so thankful for the people I get to do life with.

Gratitude

There was a time in my life when gratitude was at the forefront of my mind, I was desperate for God's grace and needed to focus on what I had, not what I wanted or thought I needed. I am currently in a season of plenty! I'm planning my wedding to the man of my dreams, my sister just moved from 2 hours away to 10 minutes away, I have the best job, live in a beautiful condo and want for nothing. But what have I been focusing on?? The fact that Nate's house hasn't sold and how stressful it would be to own 2 homes once we are married. I didn't realize how ungrateful I was acting until I read the Safe families newsletter this morning, here's an excerpt: "I'll never forget driving into our neighborhood with two elementary-age boys that I had just picked up from the office. They asked why every house had a garage, and without really thinking, I said that people liked to park their cards inside, especially in the winter. Eyes wide, they replied, "You mean everyone in this neighborhood has a car?!" Wow. I paused as I thought to myself, "No, everyone in this neighborhood has two cars, and some families with teenagers have three." Gratitude. It's humbling the things that I so easily take for granted."

Wow. That really hit home for me. The Lord has blessed Nate and me beyond belief and I have been focusing on one small "burden" instead of thanking the Lord for His many gifts. It honestly makes me a little nauseous to think how entitled I can feel; I deserve to have this process go smoothly, we deserve to have Nate's house sell quickly, we deserve a simple, easy life. Yuck. 

Well enough of that! I am thankful for how the Lord works, I needed that newsletter today, something to hit me between the eyes and convict me of sinful thoughts and behaviors. I also need you, I need your accountability, prayers and encouragement. Let's work together to have grateful hearts. Gratitude is so simple, so difficult and so life-changing. With God's grace and help and patience, I'm going to start working on this again, will you help me? 

Today:
I'm thankful for coffee, co-workers that are friends, and the gift of being able to work and serve at the same time. 

Love you all, thanks for reading. 

He's Listening

I am a quick decision maker, always have been. Should I take that job? Should I go to that school? Should I go on that date? Should I buy that thing? It doesn't matter the decision, I've always been able to make them quickly. When I ask someone to do something and they say, "let me pray about it" and then they pray about it for a week, or month, I don't understand! I'm not saying that I have never prayed about a decision but it's never taken me that long. I don't bring this up as a great success of mine, I think I rush the decision making process because I do not like being in a state of uncertainty. There have been decisions I've been happy with and decisions I maybe regret, but I've always learned so much from those mistakes and the Lord has always used them for my good.

But right now, I am in the midst of trying to make a decision and I am exactly in the middle. I feel zero piece about either side of the coin, I quite literally have no idea what to do. This quick decision maker cannot make a decision. I've been wrestling with this decision for over a week now and God has given me no direction other than "seek my face, seek my face and wait." No thank you! That's not the answer I want! I don't want to wait, I want you to tell me right now what I am supposed to do and it would be great if you could write it on a billboard with flashing lights so I don't miss it! In my prayers I have begged and pleaded and cried.... I'm so desperate for an answer (mind you, it's been 10 days, how little patience I have!).

In the midst of my begging I can feel the Lord pushing back in the most loving way. While I don't feel Him giving me a clear answer I feel Him telling me how close He is. I feel Him stripping away all that I rely on in this world and gently asking me to stop trying to make a decision and start resting in Him. While I have been expecting and demanding clarity in this one area I hear Him peeling away all of my earthly stresses and calling me to Himself. I'm asking for a billboard and He's asking for my time, for my trust, for my faith, for my patience. He has me right where He wants me, all I can pray is, "Lord, I don't know what to do, help me!" Right now that's the last place I want to be, but He's so patiently softening my heart and breaking my will and drawing me in.

Right now, trying to make a decision about one thing and having God use it to teach me how to trust Him in all things, this is not fun. He's opening my eyes to all of my weaknesses, breaking me, humbling me. All I wanted was one small answer... but oh, how His ways are not our ways! I'm very much looking forward to being on the other side of this lesson, but right now He's not showing me the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't have a bow to tie at the end of this story, but I have my Jesus and my Jesus knows the end of the story, and right now that must be enough. Some days it is, but some days I fail and it isn't. I'm so thankful that even when I fail, He's here and He's patient and He's listening.

Unrest

"O God You are my God; earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for You, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water." Psalm 63:1.

For the past couple months my work life has been very focused on one event, Ignite. We have been working towards a worship event aimed at "raising the passion meter" in our church. I have made lists, sent countless emails, scheduled rehearsals, ordered food, held meetings, discussed designs and so much more. Yes, I've planned, but not once have I worked to prepare my own heart and evaluate where I fall on the "passion meter". Do I thirst for my God? Do I seek after Him with passion and earnest? Maybe when I need something, maybe when I'm hurting, maybe when I'm in a trial, maybe. 

We've been searching for scripture verses to display during an interlude and we've landed on Psalm 62:5-7. I decided Psalm 62 would be a good chapter to read this evening and I kept going into chapter 63. I was struck when I hit verse 1. How rare is it that I thirst for God like I would thirst if I had no water? I may thirst after things, things I'm asking Him for, things I want from Him or think I need, but do I thirst after Him? Just Him. Just time with Him. Just fellowship. Just communion. Just Him. I'm humbled to admit that I can barely remember the times I've done this. I'm so often distracted and motivated by an agenda when I approach my Savior. What would it be Iike if the only times I talked to my closest friends or family was when I needed something? If I only went to them when I had a specific need to be met? Or if I only focused on them during a specific hour and a half once a week? I can't imagine investing much time into a friend who treated me that way and I pray that I'm not that kind of friend, but all too often that's exactly how I approach my Savior. 

Reading the Psalms tonight has left an unrest in my soul. I have no answers and no magic formula but for right now I'm OK with that. I want to let this unrest push me towards some change. I want to be more passionate about my Savior than I am about any other one or thing. Step one is stepping out on this limb and sharing this unrest, it's scary and humbling, but I need your help. Will you remind me of this unrest? Because I'll forget. I'll let other things take over and my passion will fade. Don't let me forget.

Let's turn it up, friends.