Unrest

"O God You are my God; earnestly I seek You; my soul thirsts for You, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water." Psalm 63:1.

For the past couple months my work life has been very focused on one event, Ignite. We have been working towards a worship event aimed at "raising the passion meter" in our church. I have made lists, sent countless emails, scheduled rehearsals, ordered food, held meetings, discussed designs and so much more. Yes, I've planned, but not once have I worked to prepare my own heart and evaluate where I fall on the "passion meter". Do I thirst for my God? Do I seek after Him with passion and earnest? Maybe when I need something, maybe when I'm hurting, maybe when I'm in a trial, maybe. 

We've been searching for scripture verses to display during an interlude and we've landed on Psalm 62:5-7. I decided Psalm 62 would be a good chapter to read this evening and I kept going into chapter 63. I was struck when I hit verse 1. How rare is it that I thirst for God like I would thirst if I had no water? I may thirst after things, things I'm asking Him for, things I want from Him or think I need, but do I thirst after Him? Just Him. Just time with Him. Just fellowship. Just communion. Just Him. I'm humbled to admit that I can barely remember the times I've done this. I'm so often distracted and motivated by an agenda when I approach my Savior. What would it be Iike if the only times I talked to my closest friends or family was when I needed something? If I only went to them when I had a specific need to be met? Or if I only focused on them during a specific hour and a half once a week? I can't imagine investing much time into a friend who treated me that way and I pray that I'm not that kind of friend, but all too often that's exactly how I approach my Savior. 

Reading the Psalms tonight has left an unrest in my soul. I have no answers and no magic formula but for right now I'm OK with that. I want to let this unrest push me towards some change. I want to be more passionate about my Savior than I am about any other one or thing. Step one is stepping out on this limb and sharing this unrest, it's scary and humbling, but I need your help. Will you remind me of this unrest? Because I'll forget. I'll let other things take over and my passion will fade. Don't let me forget.

Let's turn it up, friends. 

Joy Because of Grace

I am filled to the brim. My mind is spinning with tasks, calendars, conflicts, events, relationships, emotions and I could go on. Filled in the sense that I think I may explode. Do you have those seasons? Seasons when the plates are spinning and you fear one wrong move and they will all crash? I'm learning to balance work and life in a way I haven't had to before. How do I let go of work when I pull in the drive-way? How do I let go of personal stress when I enter the office? How do I take it one task at a time when there are ten that need to be done right now. How do I just stop and take a break? I don't really have the answer to any of these questions, I'm wrestling through the season of life God has me in, wrestling through the lessons He's taking me through, wrestling through the relationships He has me in. But one thing I do know is that there's something else I'm filled to the brim with - His grace! I can soak it in today, soak in all the grace that I need! I can soak in all the grace I need to accomplish today's tasks. I can soak in all the grace I need to work through today's hurdles. I can soak in all the grace I need to work through today's relationship highs and lows. I can soak in all the grace I need! Then when I can't do anymore my head hits the pillow and I wake in the morning to a whole new dose of grace!
Right now in this moment I am choosing to focus on the grace He's giving me instead of the task the world is. The next moment may bring a new struggle and I will have to remind myself again, but in this moment I am choosing joy because of His grace.

Remind me friends, and I'll remind you, joy because of grace.

Contentment

Content, I want so badly to be content. I want to enjoy each day, live each day to the fullest, focus on who I am with each moment and not be thinking about what's happening in the next. Some days this is easy, some days I forget that I'm single, some days I'm so completely aware of all that I'm blessed with that I can't imagine needing another thing! But other days..... I let myself dwell on what I don't have, I let self pity take over, I let myself believe that I deserve more. When these "other" days become the majority it takes a lot to pull me out. I don't want to hear truth, I would just rather feel sorry for myself and for that matter I would like everyone to feel sorry for me! I've decided I need to be more proactive in my quest for contentment. I need to stop expecting it to fall over me like fairy dust - I need to work for it! My first step: get back to counting my blessings. God has faithfully provided for me and faithfully walked with me every day of my life! If I spend more energy thanking Him I can't imagine there will be much energy left for complaining! 

I'm sharing this with you because I need accountability, complaining is easy, gratitude is hard. Encourage me to be grateful!! 

So here's to day one of step one:

1. I'm thankful for this beautiful gift of Fall in July! 

2. I'm thankful for friends to do life with, so thankful that I'm not figuring this out on my own!

3. I'm thankful for my job and that I have community at the office. 

A Safe Place

Thursday afternoon at 3:38pm I received a phone call that may very well have changed my life. "Tracie, we have a 3 year old girl that needs a place to stay for the weekend, can you help?"
It's difficult to describe the range of emotions I experienced from the time I received that call to the time I dropped the sweet little girl back of with her mom, but I want to try. I want to share with you what I learned this weekend, Safe Families is a beautiful ministry and I want to share my first experience with as many who will listen.

Little miss and I began our weekend with a trip to Target, she picked out a Sophia coloring book, Minnie Mouse pj's and Fruit Punch juice boxes. She didn't beg for excess, but was elated to have some new things all her own. We spent the evening playing outside, building puzzles, and reading books until she crawled up into my lap and fell asleep. Friday night was a long one as she needed lots of reassurance that she wasn't alone and that she was indeed safe. I was so thankful to have my parent's help as Saturday was another full day of playtime and lots of reading, I think she could've counted the 10 little lady bugs all day long! Sunday we got up early and had a busy day, she loved Panera with the choir and couldn't get in to Sunday school fast enough! The morning's hustle resulted in a 3 hour nap before it was time to go see mommy.

So what did I learn from this whirlwind of a weekend? First, I take EVERYTHING for granted. My time, my space, my health, my family, my job, my support system, my upbringing, my church, and I could go on! I was particularly aware of how I take my time and space for granted, for the first time, maybe ever, someone needed all of my time and sometimes she needed my space, she needed to be held, she needed me right there. For 48 hours, my time was not mine anymore and I realized how selfish I am with it.

Secondly, I learned that I like to be in control (well I already knew that), but this weekend it was painstakingly obvious! I wanted to fix everything in her life, I wanted this 48 hours to be life changing for her, I wanted to make her life better. After thinking a lot about my burning desire to fix everything for her I realized there's a lack of trust there. A lack of trust that God is her creator and sovereign over her life, that He is watching out for her and has her best in mind. My job was to give her a safe place for the weekend and show His love. That's all, a safe place.

Those are the two lessons I'm able to put into words, but there is so much more to work through and learn from. To summarize the weekend in a sentence, it was the most difficult and most rewarding weekend of my life. Today as the tweets came in of children needing homes this coming weekend it was all I could to not to cry in the office. I don't know how to balance what my life looks like right now and the needs of these children. God has some work to do in me, I need to learn how to serve Him in this way without getting burnt out, how to love His children well for His glory and not my own, how to focus on loving and caring for these children and not trying to fix every need. I am stepping out in faith that God has a plan in this, a plan for me and the children I get to meet. I have to trust that He knows what He's doing. He is my safe place so I can be their's.

Trusting, leaning, learning....